If I Only Knew.....

I apologize in advance for a post that could be construed as depressing and might make you cry...

If you only knew it'd be the last time.  This could go so many different directions and apply in so many ways.  We never wake up, leave the house, say goodbye to someone thinking it'll be the last time we'll do it.  Watching a television show where the detectives are in someone's house, going through their things, and you know that person didn't leave the house, leave the dirty dishes, leave an unfinished letter, thinking that they wouldn't be coming back.  You expect to come back.  You assume you'll come back and finish whatever it was you were working on, finish a conversation.  I was watching a show this week where one of the characters was living with a "you have a year to live" diagnosis.  It just got me quite introspective.  I don't want to take anything for granted.  So what's my "If I only knew" for now?

The time is quickly approaching that I will need to say goodbye to a friend who I've known for the past 19 years of my life.  She's been a constant in my life.  She taught me a lot, to never give up even when it was so hard to keep going and would have been easy to stop.  She didn't always make it easy, but when I stuck with it, I found I made great progress and the reward was great.  This "she" I am talking about?  She is Abby and she's my first horse.  She was a surprise Christmas present back in 1994.  A scavenger hunt led me to her, wearing a big red bow.  She was a wild little pony and I took a few nasty falls but I always got back on.  And soon, we became a team.  We weren't the most conventional team and would never win a 4-H western pleasure show as she was a former barrel racer that was a little wild and crazy in the arena but I found accomplishment in simply getting her into the arena and getting the semblance of a "walk" (those who know barrel racers know exactly what I'm talking about).  She gave me bumps and bruises and my mom a black eye.  While we weren't going to win any riding classes, we did well in halter showmanship.  Eventually, we got to the point where whatever she might have tried, I stuck with her easily.  I could ride her with a saddle or bareback, with a bridle or just a leadrope, and I'd hop on her in the stall while she ate.  She wasn't like that with everyone, just me.  And I liked that fact too.  I worked hard to gain that relationship.  As the years went on and I had to leave for college, I could still jump on her on my breaks and go ride around the country block.  When I got to camp, I was able to bring her with me.  She looked so small among all the big camp horses but she was still feisty.  And still mine and I still got my nickers.  An unfortunate eye infection that occurred while I was away led to permanent blindness in her right eye and while I felt incredibly guilty, she got along great.  Then age and something called Cushings started to take it's toll.  A loss in body condition is going to soon force me to make a decision that I do not want to have to make and I'm not sure if I can make it (the decision) on my own.  I want her to go peacefully in her sleep.  To go out there one morning and find that God took her during the night.  I'm praying that this will happen.  Her spirits are good.  She's still feisty and will follow me around to get her food.  I still get nickers.  And that's making the decision so so hard.  If I only knew?  If I only knew that the last time I rode her, years ago, would be the last time at the time.  A side effect of Cushings is some lameness issues and once she started showing signs, I stopped riding her so I didn't cause any undo pain.  So the last time I rode her?  I had no idea that it would be then.  I wish I did.  I would have savored it more.  But that's how life is.  You never know.  So do your best to treasure every moment in every part of your life.  It may not seem like much but when it's gone, you'll miss it.  I don't know when my time with her will be gone and it won't be easy to make the decision but for now, just seeing her everyday, grooming her when I can...well, I'll take what I can get.  Don't you worry Abby...I will do right by you as you've done me well all these years.

The only digital photo I have of her....taken in 2007.